One of my hardest days of parenting so far, was the first time my son reached for our nanny over me. He had just fallen down and was shaken but not hurt. He clearly needed some cuddles. And as I proceeded to reach towards him so I could comfort him, he turned and ran to the nanny.
Of course I smiled, and didn’t show that there was a tiny crack working its way through my heart. I gave him a kiss and walked back upstairs and cried. And as I cried I thought about why I was upset. I knew he loved me. He’s my baby and I’m his mama. I knew his wanting the nanny didn’t change that. But it hurt that he preferred someone, anyone, over me. I never thought about this even being an issue before that moment.
So, I composed myself and tried to rationalize it. I should be happy that he feels comforted and loved and safe with our nanny. Isn’t that every parents hope when they hire someone to watch their child? I should appreciate that she’s willing to wipe the tears and kiss away the boo boos. And after all… I’m still the mama.
I knew he loved me. He’s my baby and I’m his mama. I knew his wanting the nanny didn’t change that. But it hurt that he preferred someone, anyone, over me.
I’m still the woman who nourished his growth and development with my own body for nine months. I’m the person who put all my strength into labor so I could bring him into the world. I’m the mama that fell madly and deeply in love the first moment I saw him. A nanny can’t be that for him…
I’m the mama who will be there at night when there is a tummy ache, or a monster, or a bad storm. I’m the women who sacrifices everything for the happiness and well-being of my family. I’m the person who puts his needs before my own. The nanny may care for him, but I’m still the mama…
I am the only mama he will ever have. The only person whose heartbeat he has heard from the inside. I am the mama who lifts him as he reaches for the stars and encourages him to try again when he falls. I am the women who will be his standard when he looks for love. I am the one who will always care about his social life more than my own. Who would rather have a play date than alone time. I am the one who thinks his smile is the most beautiful sight in the world and his laughter is the sweetest sound ever made. Because I’m his mama…
And as he grows and the nanny is replaced by a teacher. Or his love is given to a girlfriend and one day to his wife and children, I will still be the mama.
I will be the proud mama who watches him achieve his dreams. I’m the mama who will cheer him on during every chapter of his life and give him hugs and kisses during the sad times. I will comfort him during his first broken bone and his first broken heart. I will proudly watch him become a man and a gentleman.
So yes, the nanny can get the moment of comfort, but she will never have what I have. I am still the mama… and always will be.
