Reaching my Breaking Point: An Autism Mom’s Story

Reaching my Breaking Point: An Autism Mom’s Story

January 14, 2016 is the day that changed my family’s life forever. My daughter was diagnosed with autism, and my husband (Patrick) and I had no clue how much this diagnosis was going to change our lives. We learned that Raelyn was going to require therapy 3-5 days a week. This meant spending a whole lot of money that we just didn’t have. After her appointment, my husband and I put Raelyn into the car to begin our journey down this new road…  Life as autism parents.

We were on the road for less than ten minutes before Patrick suggested that I quit my nursing job. We knew it was vital that I stay home with Raelyn full time and attend her therapy sessions and appointments. I didn’t even hesitate. I had been dreaming of becoming a stay at home mom since the first time I held her in my arms. The circumstances kind of sucked, but I was really excited to be able to put all of my energy into my baby girl.

We weren’t sure how we were going to make this work, because my husband and I are both registered nurses. RNs make good money, but we bought our house three years ago with the mindset that we would have TWO incomes that could cover the mortgage, bills, and living expenses. We knew we couldn’t financially survive only on his income. So he put on his super daddy cape and started signing up to work extra shifts, over time, and incentive shifts. He was working 5 days a week, 12 hour shifts each day. All of this overtime almost completely made up for the money we were missing from when I was working.

 Sounds perfect, right?

It was. For a couple months. I was killing it at this stay at home mom thing… I spent the majority of each day playing with Raelyn while incorporating her therapy techniques. On most days I even found the time to straighten up the house, put on REAL clothes, and even cook dinner! I was feeling like quite the mommy badass. I would wake up every morning and proudly put on my super mommy cape, ready to face whatever challenges the day brought.

“Before climbing into bed every night I would carefully iron my super mom cape and lay it on my dresser, to be worn again the next morning.”

Well after a few months of this super mom lifestyle, something started to happen… My cape started losing its sparkle. It was covered in toddler puke, cheerio crumbs, dried milk, and baby boogers. It wasn’t a whole lot of fun to put this disgusting cape on every morning since I couldn’t even find the time to wash it anymore. It was starting to get pretty old feeling like a single mom. I didn’t dare mention it to Patrick because I was beyond grateful for what he was doing to support our family. I would have felt so guilty complaining about the life that I had begged him for. So I kept quiet. I acted like I was loving every minute of this new life that was quickly becoming mundane.

We got busier with therapy sessions, and I had less time to spend keeping the house clean (well at least presentable). Dishes sat it the sink for days, laundry was literally knee deep across our entire laundry room, and I was starting to wear down. At the end of any given day, I would be completely exhausted, and had nothing to show for it. I felt like such a failure and couldn’t figure out how other stay at home moms were capable of managing the chaos. Still, I continued to get up every morning, shake the crumbs and crud off of my super mom cape, and put it back on with pride. I wore that cape along with a big smile, and nobody knew the wiser.

Until the day I reached my breaking point…

We were at my parent’s house for a family lunch, and I was completely worn out from Raelyn giving me hell all day. I have always been good at faking a smile and acting like things are good. It’s a skill I have developed over the years, because it always made me uncomfortable to talk about my life when it wasn’t going smoothly. This particular day, I could fake it no longer. Raelyn started pitching the 28th fit of the day and in front of everyone I threw my hands up and yelled

“I’m done! I can’t do this! I need someone to take her before I completely lose it.”

I walked out of the room, went down to the basement, and cried until I eventually just fell asleep. My family knew I was exhausted so they willingly took care of Raelyn while I recharged. When I woke up, I felt refreshed but not anymore rested than I was before my unplanned nap. I went upstairs and my parents could tell that I was having a harder time with all this than I led on.

Patrick was off the next day and I woke up and read a text from my dad: “Patrick is keeping Raelyn today and you are getting out of the house. I booked you and hour and a half massage and a facial. Be at Chateau Elan at 10:00am. Love you.”  Is it crazy to admit that I was anxious about leaving Raelyn to go get my massage? I was worn down to my breaking point, yet I still didn’t know how to just step away. It was time for me to regroup and take care of my OWN needs for once, so that I could come back a better mom.

Although I was anxious about leaving Raelyn, I was also excited to have some time to myself. I got to the spa at Chateau Elan, changed into my robe, and went to the lounge to wait for my massage. I literally had no idea what to do with my time. I didn’t have a screaming kid to calm down. I didn’t have a phone call to make to a therapist or insurance company. I didn’t even have a diaper to change. It was a pretty weird feeling. Right when I was starting to feel completely out of my element, she called me back for my massage.

HEAVEN.

That’s the only way to describe 4 hours at a spa by yourself. For the first time in months, that dull headache at the base of my neck was gone, and my neck didn’t feel like it had an electrical current surging through it. So this is what it feels like to be relaxed!! What an incredible, yet strange, feeling this was!

I got home late that afternoon and felt rejuvenated. I was ready to be a super mom again. What I didn’t realize at the time is I didn’t need to be a SUPER mom. I just needed to be a mom. The pressure of putting on that cape every morning is what wore me down until I eventually broke. So I made a decision. I washed my cape, neatly folded it, and put it away in storage. It’s there if I ever need to wear it on occasion, for extenuating circumstances.

“I was putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mom and wife, and in the process I began to resent my husband and even my own child.”

It hurts me to even type those words. But I think it’s important to share, because I know I’m not the only mom who has felt this way. There are some days that I am right on point… Kid up at 7, dressed and fed by 8, house clean for the therapist who arrives at 8:30, play date at noon, dinner on the table when my husband gets home from work. When I say “some days” what I really mean is a couple days a month. Seriously. I also have some days where Raelyn has been up half the night so we both sleep til 10, she stays in her diaper all day and watches TV (gasp! so much screen time??!), the house is a disaster, and we order pizza for dinner. These type days occur on more of a weekly basis.

This is what a typical day looks like

The other days? Those days are spent just being a regular mom, with regular expectations of myself and my child.

Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. I’m allowed to say that because for years I made a living giving chemo to my cancer patients and holding the hands of my dying hospice patients. So why are we so hard on ourselves? Don’t we deserve to cut ourselves some slack every now and then? Do yourself a favor and go do something for YOU. Go for a run, book a massage, grab a kid free dinner with a friend, or just take a bath. You will be a better mom and wife if you allow yourself to be selfish on occasion. Learn from my mistakes and try to avoid reaching your breaking point.

Click here to read my post about how to cope after your child is diagnosed with autism.