To the Parents of My Autistic Daughter’s Friends

To the Parents of my Autistic Daughter’s Friends,

There are a few things I need you to know before our kids’ first playdate together. My daughter is autistic, and that means that she doesn’t always know how to play appropriately with other kids. Autism is a neurological disorder than affects the parts of the brain that control communication and socialization. This obviously causes problems when it comes to making friends. So here are a few things I ask you to keep in mind when our kids play together…

Raelyn doesn’t know how to play appropriately with other kids, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t WANT to.

Raelyn desperately wants to play with friends, just like every other kid her age. This is pretty huge, because she didn’t even acknowledge other kids until a few months ago. When she tries to play with her friends, it often times ends up making them mad. For example, if two of her friends are building something with blocks, Raelyn may try to play by knocking down all the blocks. You may want me to discipline her for this but just know that I’m not going to. She isn’t trying to be mean. She is just trying to play the only way she knows how. It is pretty heartbreaking to witness, because no one wants to play with the kid who knocks down their block tower.

She also doesn’t play with toys in the same ways that typical toddlers do. Instead of pushing a toy car through the room, she will turn the car over and spin the wheels. Although most toddlers would cuddle a baby doll and pretend to feed it and rock it, Raelyn is more likely to throw the doll down on the floor and proceed playing with her Easter egg. She tends to focus on PARTS of a toy rather than the toy itself. She loves maneuvering her toys every which way, to try and figure out how they work.

My daughter doesn’t know how to communicate her needs or wants.

When Raelyn gets hungry, she gets really fussy. If she wants to watch a different TV show, she hits me with the remote control. If she wants to play with a toy that she can’t reach, she has a meltdown. This is her way of communicating her needs, because she hasn’t learned how to VOICE her needs yet. It may seem that my child is simply acting like a brat. You will probably go home and tell your husband that I need to discipline her more. But that is not the case at all. When she is having a meltdown, this is when she needs me the most. This is also when I need you to be understanding. I don’t have the luxury of my kid telling me what she wants. She can’t even answer yes or no questions. So I spend most of my days playing detective, as I try to figure out what triggered her meltdown.

If she wants to play with a toy your child is playing with, she doesn’t know how to ask. So she may take it from him. I will tell her that is not how we play and I will give the toy back to your child. However, I am not going to discipline her for something that she isn’t capable of understanding. It is not uncommon for autistic kids to get violent when they get frustrated. We have been very blessed thus far, because Raelyn doesn’t seem to have a violent bone in her body. But just be aware of this when you’re around other kids on the spectrum, and try to be understanding.

Even though Raelyn played great with your child last time, she may not even acknowledge him next time.

What interests her one day may not even get her attention the next day. This includes other kids. If your child doesn’t understand that this is typical behavior for a kid with autism, it may hurt his feelings. So you may want to take a few minutes to explain this to your child. A lot of adults who spend time with Raelyn don’t even understand this. Raelyn also gets overstimulated very easily. So it is necessary for her to go off by herself every so often. When she does this, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to play anymore. It just means that she needs some alone time for her to regroup. Then she will be ready to keep on playing.

Raelyn has some unusual behaviors and habits that most people don’t understand.

This is true for almost every person on the spectrum. These behaviors (also known as stims) are what help my daughter regulate herself, show her emotions, and cope in unfamiliar situations. When she gets really excited, she flaps her hands and does an adorable little dance. She also will straighten her arms out in front of her, make an usual face, and shake. Sometimes she gets so excited that she actually cries, because her body is so overwhelmed and she can’t process the emotions. You may not ever see Raelyn walk without walking on her tip toes. The actual reason is debatable, but it is a very common trait in autism. She obsessively opens and closes containers and easter eggs. You will rarely see her without an easter egg in her hand. It is very difficult for people with autism to sit still, so fidgeting with something in their hands makes being still more bearable.

Raelyn also loves to dump out containers. She loves the sound it makes when a bunch of toys hit the floor. So if she dumps out your child’s bucket of blocks, she isn’t being a brat. It is almost compulsive and she just can’t control the urge. Autistic people are extremely sensitive to certain sounds. Certain pitches are so unbearable for them, it literally hurts them to listen to these sounds. Raelyn gets extremely upset if someone laughs really loud or unexpectedly. This can make a get together with friends really awkward when she freaks out every time a loud person laughs. So I want you to be aware of this ahead of time so we can avoid the awkwardness!

Raelyn wants the same things that every kid wants…

She wants friends to play with. She also wants to be loved and accepted. Raelyn is not like every other kid, but that doesn’t mean she should be treated differently. I never want to use her autism diagnosis as an excuse for her acting out. Autism does not cause BAD behavior. It manifests itself as ATYPICAL behavior, which can be perceived as bad behavior by people unfamiliar with ASD. I want your child to understand that Raelyn is incredibly sweet and loving. She just doesn’t express herself the way typical kids do.

Every time I see a story on Facebook about an autistic kid’s birthday party that NO ONE showed up to, my heart breaks. I would be so devastated if that happened to my sweet baby. So I want to start educating her friends and their parents early. People seem to be much more understanding of someone’s behaviors when they know the reasons behind them. So please help me to make this world a more accepting and tolerant place for people with autism. These changes always start at home, so let’s all do our part and raise our children to be tolerant of ALL people.

Click here to read my post “How To Be Friends With a Special Needs Parent.”