As I sit down to write a much overdue blog entry, I start by wanting to apologize and I also harbor some guilt of my lack of contribution lately. But then I stop and think about my reasons behind my absence. We have recently moved, I accepted a promotion with work, we have hosted multiple house guests, and I’ve been getting ready for work meetings. Let’s not even get into the prep work for Halloween, followed by Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and so forth and so forth. My long overdue article isn’t MIA because I’ve just been slacking. Like most moms, I’ve been over-committing myself and trying to be perfect in everything I do.
And then I reflect on my automatic reflex to issue an apology. Why is it so ingrained in us as woman to apologize for not doing it ALL? Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, women have the primal drive to take on everything. Moms selflessly give to our families out of pure love and devote ourselves to working hard and being successful in our careers. We keep a tidy house and make sure all the groceries are purchased. We manage our family budgets and worry about our children’s development and education and socialization. Moms spend our every waking hour wondering if we are doing enough and if we are good mothers.
Guess what? The fact that you are even questioning if you are a good mother, makes you a good mother!
I recently met my new neighbor and she was profusely apologizing for not coming over to say ‘Hi’ and bring me baked goods. She started talking about how she has three kids under age seven, she teaches third grade, and she is also in graduate school full time. I kept telling her that I should be the one bringing her a margarita! But I saw that she really felt bad about not finding time to come over yet. As I watched her talk I thought about how preposterous this was. You could tell this woman was spreading herself too thin but yet SHE was apologizing to ME?
But how many times have each of us done the exact same thing?
“I’m sorry we’re late!” after you’ve wrangled your kids, gotten them dressed, and packed into your car. If anything, you should be telling them how lucky they are that you got out of the house at all.
“Please excuse the mess.” when your home is slightly unkempt because you’re busy doing a hundred other things plus taking care of your children. Not to mention how much worse it could look if you hadn’t done all the cleaning you already completed.
“I’m so sorry we haven’t hung out lately.” because your schedule is full of play dates, classes, sports, and family commitments. There are only so many hours in the day and when you’re a mom, most of those hours get committed to your kid’s schedules.
The list could go on and on.
I recently read an article in the New York Times about how women use the word “sorry.” It was very insightful to me and made me think about the differences between myself and my husband. My husband wouldn’t apologize to his friends if the throw pillow were on the floor. He wouldn’t issue an apology if he hadn’t found time to make baked goods for a new neighbor. He doesn’t say sorry when the bed doesn’t get made that day or laundry isn’t done. So why do I?
(Read the NY Times article here http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/23/opinion/when-an-apology-is-anything-but.html?_r=0 )
A coworker recently said to me “It’s better to do one thing well, than many things poorly”. Wow. That has really stuck with me. I would rather pick parts of my life that are most important and do those really well, than be somewhat good at a lot of things. And I need to give myself a break, and so do you. We are all trying really hard to be the best mother, wife, friends, woman we can be.
I’m going to challenge myself to stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ when it’s not something I should be sorry for. I challenge all of you to do the same. Remember that you are one person and you can only do so much. You cannot be the master of it all. You cannot be everything to everyone. Remember, as you devote yourself to taking care of everyone else, please take time to take care of yourself too.
