I’ve been worried that speaking out and saying that black lives, do indeed, matter would be offensive to the officers in my life that I hold so dear to my heart. But having respect, admiration and loyalty to the men and women in blue, and valuing the life of a black person are not mutually exclusive. You can respect one group while advocating for another.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I can’t offer a solution. I can’t say what I’d do if it were me in either position. What I can do is share my stories and opinions in hopes that it opens someone else’s eyes to the bigger picture.

When we lived in Savannah, we were in a pretty rough part of town. Jason deployed when Carden was a few weeks old and I didn’t feel comfortable there. For our safety, I told Jason I wanted to get my concealed carry permit and my own gun before he left. So it was. I carried my gun everywhere. If I walked out to take the trash to the street, I was armed. There was pretty heavy foot traffic on our street so I’d always scan the street before opening our large, metal security door and fumbling out with my toddler and diaper bag.

One day, as we were leaving, I noticed a guy that was worth keeping an eye on but I didn’t really perceive him as a threat. He was stumbling a bit and seemed drunk but I decided to take my chances. After I buckled Carden in her car seat I noticed he was crossing the street and headed straight towards my car. I quickly got in and locked the door. By the time I got my keys he was standing directly in front of my car touching the hood. His body language was threatening and he was staring me down. I pulled out my phone to call the cops and by that time he was at my window. He was threatening me, telling me to get out and beating on my window. I didn’t know what to do. Do I run him over to get away or pull my gun?

I pulled my gun, and showed it to him, hoping he’d run or at least move so I could drive off. He didn’t care. I pointed it at him. He pointed his finger at me, thumb up, mimicking a gun, and acted like he shot me. He then stumbled back and walked away. I pulled out quickly and went around the corner to complete my call to the cops. After all, this man now knows that I’m not home and exactly where I live. Who’s to say that he wouldn’t be there when I got back?

I told the dispatcher what happened. I told her that I pointed my loaded gun at this man. I told her it would be sitting on my dash, in plain view, when the officer arrived.

Carden was hysterical from all of the commotion so I got her out of her seat and sat there holding her while I waited for the officers. When the officers arrived they surrounded my car, I’m assuming because they knew I was armed. One officer approached my car and asked me to keep my hands in view. I did as I was told.

I come from a family of police officers. I know what’s going through his mind when the only thing standing between me grabbing my gun and him is which one of us is faster. I explained to him each move I intended to make when he asked me to do something.

He asked to see my license and carry permit. I told him I was going to reach in the back and grab my purse. I did, while holding a wiggly toddler mind you. My wallet wasn’t in my purse. I told him that it wasn’t in my purse and asked if I could look in the console. He obliged. My wallet wasn’t there. I told him I must have left it in my house and I’d gladly give him everything he needed if we could walk around the block to my house so that I could get it.

He said he’d need to secure my weapon before I exited the vehicle and I agreed. I told him I was going to put Carden in the passenger seat before grabbing my gun and handing it to him. He gave me permission to do so. I set Carden down. He put his hand on his holster as I slowly reached for my gun and handed it to him. He asked if it was loaded, it was, and said he was going to unload it before I got out of the car since he didn’t have a way to properly secure it. Again, fine by me, whatever he needed to do to feel safe.

Carden and I got out of the car and several of Savannah’s finest escorted me down the block so that I could go inside my house and grab my wallet. They waited on the front porch while several officers down the street detained my drunken aggressor.

When I came out, the officer reviewed my license and permit, asked if he could run my license quickly and said I’d then be on my way. After that checked out they praised me for being smart enough to carry in Savannah. We chatted for a bit about Jason being deployed and why I carry in the first place. They asked if I wanted to press charges, I didn’t, and everyone went on their way.

Would this scenario have gone differently if I was a black man that had just admitted to aiming my gun at someone? If I was a black man with no license, carry permit or form of identification? Would they have allowed a black man to walk back in his home and get his wallet or would he have been detained?

I wasn’t a threat because I was open and compliant. I showed respect and gave the officer knowledge of each move I was going to make before I did it. I also wasn’t a threat because I’m a woman. A lily white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes holding an equally white child.

Saying that black lives matter or recognizing white privilege doesn’t mean you don’t respect law enforcement. You don’t have to choose one or the other. I gave that officer the upmost respect that day, as much as I’d want anyone to give my family and friends in law enforcement. But, I also acknowledge that the incident could have gone very differently with a different responding officer or if the color of my skin had been different.

Be aware and open up a dialogue with your friends and neighbor’s. I don’t know what exactly needs to change but nothing is going to happen without open dialogue, self reflection and acknowledgment that there is a very dynamic problem on our hands.

‪#‎philandocastile‬‪ #‎altonsterling‬

Taylor Melton is the face behind Clover&Birch, an artisan toys manufacturer in Canton, Georgia. She is also a wife, mother of two beautiful girls, and active in her community. My Atlanta Moms Club thanks her for being brave enough to share her story publicly. #blacklivesmatter