The Unshakeable Third Wheel: Addiction

My marriage has a really pesky, totally rude, never comes around at the right moment, constantly in the way third wheel. Our third wheel answers to many names; beer, wine, vodka, whiskey…but addiction is the most accurate. I am married to a recovering alcoholic. I really hate that term, ya know? It’s not a broken arm or a cold that one simply “recovers” from over time. Its a constant battle with an inner demon that sits waiting, watching, ready to pounce the moment a sliver of a chance presents it self.

Dating Your Husband by Caroline Hoffman of My Atlanta Moms Club

You are probably wondering why on earth a messy, sinful, slightly neurotic, germ freak with communication issues like me is covering marriage for a blog. I mean really, shouldn’t someone with a nice and neat, perfect, flawless marriage be telling us all about how great their unattainable happiness is? Don’t you want to hear how Mr. and Mrs. perfect “live” and hide your real life problems and concerns from public so you can fake the greener grass? Wouldn’t you rather read stories about perfect human beings who never falter and never make mistakes and raise the most perfect little snow flakes to ever grace your presence?? Who wants to read about the down and dirty, nitty gritty, peaks and valleys of a REAL marriage?

Ok, ok. Point made right?

Back to reality. My husband and I are approaching our 5 year anniversary come October 8, not long in the grand scheme of things really, but if you knew our story, you would be amazed we managed it this long. Life with an addict is typically filled with hiding the truth, telling half truths, only showing your good cards, twisting words and just out right lying to keep the truth about them, and your real life, hidden. Its veiled with shame and embarrassment. You hear people say, “if he loved me he would quit” or “if he cared about his family he would stop” or the most popular by caring friends and family, “why would she stay with someone that pathetic and weak?”. Addiction is hard to understand and it hurts so many people in is wake, like a tsunami wave knocking over happy homes, safe friendships, strong marriages and anything that dares to stand strong against its rage.

The Unshakeable Third Wheel: Addiction By Caroline Hoffman

Sobriety has been very tough for my husband to stick to, he can grasp it for months and months at a time with confidence and then bam, out of nowhere its slipped through his fingers like water. It hurts and.each time he falls off, I get burned too. Yes, I’m making it all about me right now. This is my place to do that, my space to share and open up. To be fully honest with my friends and my family and all the rest of you reading this. I don’t want to put him on blast or share his story for him. I want to share my side. The wife of a recovering alcoholic. The good, the bad and the ugly.

We both come from long lines of alcoholics on all side of the tree, so its something we both know is inside us, and maybe even inside our children. It strikes fear in my heart to think of either of them struggling in life with this disease the way we have watched it destroy so many close to us. It frustrates me that when he messes up it hurts our marriage, and that in turn hurts our children. Its not fair to them or to me or to him. But guys, I love him through it. I know his heart and his intentions to stay sober are strong. I also understand being sober does not mean the urge to drink isn’t there, and it can’t magically go away and that forever, every day of the rest of his life will be a tug of war between drinking and sobriety. There have been plenty of times I wanted to walk away from him and leave his addiction behind, but I take my marriage vows seriously, and this is his worse.

“I thought if I lectured him enough, threatened to leave him enough, yelled at him enough, forced him into church enough, guilt tripped him enough, prayed for him enough that he would change. He didn’t.”

One of our very first counselors years ago put it to me like this, “you have to decide now if your willing to accept that his disease does not go away and no amount of love or work on your end will “fix” him” because I didn’t get it. I thought if I lectured him enough, threatened to leave him enough, yelled at him enough, forced him into church enough, guilt tripped him enough, prayed for him enough that he would change. He didn’t.  I didn’t fully comprehend that addicts can and will fall off the wagon through the years, I thought he would go to treatment and be cured. I didn’t have to like it, or be accepting of it even, I just had to adjust my own expectations of what a recovering alcoholic actually was so I could be there for him when he needed me. It wasn’t up to me to make him sober. It wasn’t my job as his wife to force him to want sobriety. In the long run, a year of separation from his newborn daughter and wife to work on his issues helped pull him from the depths of depression, anxiety and PTSD. He wanted to take his life back from the claws of addiction that had scraped and torn his life down to an empty shell. He did it, without me.

We are lucky. We thank God for the trials we faced because it changed us both forever and made our faith in the Lord strong and unshakeable. I never fully trusted God or His plan for my life, then I witnessed my own plans for my future ripped away from me. I saw the life I had so diligently picked out and worked for simply vanish and I had nothing left but God to cling to and He showed up. He carried me through the pain and sadness and hurt and He healed our hearts and our marriage in a way we never could have done on our own.

As I drove to the courthouse, to our court ordered mediation to finalize divorce plans, and I cried out (literally, in my car, by myself sobbing) to God, “There is no going back from this. This is your last chance to heal our hearts and save our marriage. You are the only one who can do this. We need you to do this. Please, please, please” I begged and pleaded with Him all the way there. As I pulled in the parking lot I realized I had missed calls from my soon to be ex husband. He was calling me to ask me not to go in, to give him one more chance and to go back to counseling and to not go through with this divorce. He did it you guys. He did the impossible. I witnessed my first miracle and I will never forget it. I used to listen to others testimony and think to myself, I got nothin. Sure, I loved God, I read the Bible, I knew the words. His word.

Our life today

So, all that being said, this is part of me and helps shape my marriage and the advice I give and the way we work. Its a major piece of our story and I do not hide from that. Know that this blog I am writing will continue to be honest and raw, and that I appreciate you sticking with me to listen. Thanks ladies.

virtual hugs,

Caroline

If you are struggling with addiction and need help, please click here and

see what AA is all about. What could it hurt?