Everyone has a story with breastfeeding. My story with breastfeeding started after a beautiful delivery with my first baby boy, Asa. What a beautiful first couple of days! His delivery was perfect, easy and dare I say fun. Asa latched on without a hitch immediately following delivery. I was thrilled. Although, I was totally overwhelmed with everything there was to think about. Everything changed the second he was born. I suddenly started living my days within the every 2-3 hour time frame. I asked myself if I’d ever feel normal again. Fast forward through the next couple of sleepless nights, I found myself with red and raw nipples and that just drove home the fact that nothing was ever going to be normal again. This began the breastfeeding guilt. I wanted what was best for my baby but for some reason I just couldn’t wrap my mind around breastfeeding and all the demands that came with it.
This was a picture taken in the hospital after Asa’s birth. I was ready for breastfeeding, nursing tank and all. If I’m being honest, I remember feeling really sad in this picture for feeding him formula.
I also felt as if my breasts were for my husband’s pleasure and having a baby on the end of my breast just felt weird. That brought on even more guilt. I really questioned whether or not I had some type of traumatic event in my childhood that made breastfeeding extra hard for me. I ended up exclusively pumping for about three months before changing over to formula fully. I dealt with the guilt for many months afterward. I was five and a half months postpartum when I learned that I was pregnant again with my second baby boy, Ezra. This pregnancy was super tough. The pregnancy itself was easy and full of joy while I savored every last moment with my Asa as my only child, but the thought of having another child was daunting to me. I had a lot of anxiety about how I’d handle another child so close in age to my first. Again, the topic of breastfeeding came up and I made the decision to try it and if it didn’t work, I was not going to beat myself up this time. I met with a close friend who had successfully nursed her two children and I picked her brain over coffee making sure I was crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s. I felt prepared. I nursed him for about a week I think and ultimately stopped for the same reasons I stopped nursing Asa- raw nipples and feeling like I was doing it ALL wrong. What was wrong with me? Was I ever going to get this? Why was I weirded out by feeding my baby? Why was that so hard for me to understand? I was in a very low place. I knew I was a great mom but everywhere I turned somehow the topic of breastfeeding would come up and I felt completely inadequate. Formula it is… again.
It’s no secret that breastfeeding is so much more than just feeding your baby. What makes it so emotional and personal? I’ll tell you what. You pour your heart and soul into those feedings. Without knowing it you are creating a space that your baby will come to know as home. You are the smell they choose. The warmth they long for. You are their everything. In turn, the baby becomes that for you as well. You prefer their warmth over a cold empty pillow. You miss that smell of their sweet little head after being at Target for 15 minutes. Mom needs baby and baby needs mom. I know all of this because I was finally able to nurse my third child successfully. I found out I was pregnant in August 2015 and I immediately knew I would try harder than ever before to breastfeed this third baby boy, Ford. Through MAMC and a few close friends, I was able to learn the ins and outs of breastfeeding. I knew what to expect. I knew what was normal and how long the uncomfortable phase would last. I knew that the baby would survive with only a few drops of colostrum during his first day of life. So all that to say, we’re 6 weeks in and I’ve learned the differences between formula feeding and breastfeeding are huge. I know now that there was nothing wrong with me while trying to nurse Asa and Ezra. Breastfeeding is hard! It doesn’t always come naturally and it takes a lot of work. Formula is pretty fool proof. Then there is the topic of bonding. With my formula fed babies, bonding was extremely hard. I loved them, yes, of course. Something was missing though. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was a disconnect between us- mom and baby. My husband actually did a lot of the soothing because I just felt so much guilt that the only thing I felt I could do to stop their crying was to put a bottle in their mouth. Fast forward to now and feeling the bond I’ve created with my baby over the past six weeks, I would choose and fight for breastfeeding hands down every time. It has not been easy and my OCD has been at an all time high worrying about every little thing but we’ve pushed through. I can’t help but grieve the experience I could have had with my first two boys had I persevered and breastfed them. If only I could go back and redo those first few weeks with them, I’d create the best support system for us and nurse our little hearts out. I feel extremely grateful that I am able to experience this time with Ford. Formula feeding has its perks, like being able to sleep longer than 3 hours at a time, but I’d lose sleep night after night if it means I get to stare down at my perfect little baby and watch him gently nurse and grow big and strong through my milk. I love watching him fall fast asleep within minutes of latching on. I can imagine he’s probably saying “Ahhh, my mom, her smell, my happy place!”
Absolutely smitten after a breastfeeding session with my sweet baby, Ford.
Are you a failure if you have to supplement or formula feed your baby? Absolutely not! But if you’re on the fence about breastfeeding, please push through. Please try. Please give it a true chance. You and especially your baby will be so glad that you did.
xo,
tiffany
