Finding My Place in Our Blended Family

Before my husband and I were married, we already had already perfected some of the details on what the future of our marriage would entail. We planned to one day have children and own our own home- basically the “white picket fence dream” (don’t we ALL do that before our nuptials?!). Although so many of the (seemingly now) minute details were discussed, one important thing we neglected to map out was my role as a step mother. Finding my place in our blended family was a challenge that I never even saw coming.

When my husband and I moved in together, I assumed my role was to be “the helper”. I would pick out all the adorable outfits, complete with matching bows. I would twist the most tightly wound French braids, and prepare the perfect ponytails. I’d cut all her sandwiches into charming little shapes and put away all the freshly laundered undies, which would all be labeled by days of the week. My husband would do all the “tough stuff”, leaving her and I to be Oprah-watching, Bon-Bon eating pals.

My expectations looked like a grain of sand from a mile away, once I arrived at what was now my reality. It seemed every element of my role as a step mother was far different and much more difficult than how I imagined it. I was part of it all (whether I liked it or not)- the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the wonderful, the fun- I did it all. And man, oh man, was it a rigorous and trying time for me… And my marriage. The first year of marriage is tough in itself. When you add exes, previous children, and new roles into the mix- the intensity of that dynamic seems to increase tenfold. Blended families are hard, y’all. H-A-R-D, HARD! Wonderful, but hard.

I’ve found that thus far on my journey of being a step parent, my roles are ever-changing. Because every blended family situation is so different, there’s no blue print to what role works for each family member-and that’s certainly the case for us. My step daughter already has a mother, so she doesn’t a replacement, but she needs more than just a “friend”. I have to play the chameleon and transform into what she needs at the moment- disciplinarian, guidance counselor, tutor, confidant, nurturer- all while attempting to be a positive role model. To me, being a step parent is a thousand percent more strenuous than being a parent (and the responsibility of being a parent is known as “the hardest job in the world”). I am very far from perfect, and am constantly finding ways I can improve in my role, but darn it if I’m not working myself to the bone trying. In my heart, I know that I AM trying, and that effort is what carries the most weight.

If I could go back in time and give advice to the brand new blushing bride that I once was, I’d tell her to drop her expectations, know that she’s going to make a million mistakes, and that’s okay. Marriage is hard. Step-parenting is hard. Blended families are not some drawn out plan, where one can just follow a book or guideline of some sort. Forget about all the tiny details and enjoy the day-to-day. Some days are for thriving, others just surviving. Discovering her role in step parenting is going to be draining, and a tremendous amount of work, but the joyous times are going to outshine any of the negative moments. Lastly, I would remind her in those trying moments that’s she’s doing a good job, and she CAN do this.