Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry
To a working mother, “work” can definitely be a four letter word. I am one of those mothers who never thought about how hard going back to work would be after having my child. But 6 weeks after having my son, there I was… a mother internally torn because I love my job but I love my son more. I will admit that I am luckier than most. I work from home so I did have a nanny the first year. I got to see all of the milestones, first steps, first word, all of it. Sometimes it was because the nanny screamed for me to come and see what was happening, but I didn’t miss it. This is a luxury not afforded to most working moms. I thankfully didn’t miss a moment. But the sacrifice was that I was doing a job where I was underpaid, undervalued, and not being able to really use my talents. I was my happiest personally but my unhappiest professionally.
After my son’s first birthday, I was missing my career. The one where I helped students and teachers and ended my days knowing I had made an impact. I was getting restless and I worried that if I didn’t keep all aspects of my life happy, that there would be parts of my life that would suffer.
I have traveled the country on business for the past eight years. It’s my normal to catch a flight out in the morning and be back home by that night. If you’ve seen “Up in the Air” with George Clooney then you can picture my life. Of course, traveling six or seven days a week was no longer appealing to me but I did miss getting out there. I may be strange but I enjoy flying. I like waking up in Atlanta, having lunch in Miami, and being home in time to tuck my son in for bed. So I did some soul searching…
After some long discussions with my husband, finding child care that would meet our needs, and find a position that would be flexible as I was adamant that I didn’t want to spend more than one night away a week (if that) I was ready to get back out there. As confident as I know I can tend to come off, like I have it all together, the first time I left my son as our church preschool, I was shattered. My heart was broken as he cried for me. My knees buckled as I tried to strongly walk away and get in my car. That one moment had me questioning every decision I had made.
Yes, I knew I wasn’t alone. That preschool was full of children whose mothers loved them just as much as I love my son. But none of that mattered. I felt like the worst mom in the world. I proceeded to drive home praying that I could see the road through my ugly crying, not caring what anyone in traffic next to me though. I screamed for my son. I walked upstairs to his room and rocked in his rocker with his blanket and cried for hours. I thought about quitting my job. Selling the house and the cars so I could stay home. I was a mess to say the least. I was thankful when the teacher called and asked if I would come early because my son just wasn’t doing well away from me. I’ve never been out the door and in my car so quickly. We were two magnets who couldn’t attach to each other fast enough.
With that experience behind us, we did tough out 4 months of preschool before deciding that an in-house nanny would be a better fit. I now work upstairs and can go down and kiss my son whenever I please. I can take a break and eat lunch with him. And on the days I do take a trip, I can check our home cameras and smile when I see him playing and getting so much love and attention from our incredible nanny.
But what this experience gave me was a perspective I would have never gotten without it. I have such a huge respect and love towards the mothers that have no choice but to leave their children in daycare during the day while they work. I can’t imagine the yearning they go through on a daily basis. Being a mother is the most self-sacrificing job and part of that is doing what is best for the greater good of your family. I’ve also gained perspective on stay at home moms. This was not something I ever considered but after having my son, it has given me an appreciation of what stay at home moms go through. They make tough decisions and put their family first. And they do this and never get a break. They don’t get to walk out the door in the morning and have any time away. Their job is their children and it’s one of the most satisfying jobs to have.
Moral of the story is that every single mom in the world is making decisions based on their circumstances, their family, and what they believe is best. Moms are quick to judge each other when they make decisions that others don’t understand. But the only thing we all need to do, is remember that we are all moms. This is a sisterhood. We should all support each other. Because no matter what the scenario, none of us have it easy.
*the photo shared is a picture my husband took of us after my son’s first day of preschool. We were both so emotionally spent.
