A Step Mom: My Battle With Resentment

A Step Mom: My Battle With Resentment

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, “Blended families are hard”. Y’all, it’s SO hard sometimes. The hardest part for me? My own mind, my thoughts, my feelings- they have all become my little inner demons at times.  My biggest hurdle in step parenting has been the resentment.

There. I said it. I had resentment. A lot of it. And it ain’t pretty. It roars it’s ugly head most often when my husband and I are in an argument. It’s like a deep burning fire that I am working myself to the bone to try and extinguish. It continues to flicker, so that in just the right environment, it’s flame can ignite again and again.

Resentment- My Biggest Hurdle in Step Parenting

I resented him.

Instead of basking in the glory of the “honeymoon phase”, our life as newly weds consisted of school and sports schedules, bedtimes, appointments, and all things related to being parents. My husband and I were not only dealing with the hardships that come from learning to live with one another (and those “first year of marriage” woes), but also learning how to coparent with one another. Add in attorneys, exes, preparing for a new baby, and the financial burdens of me losing my job, made one heck of a tough time. On top of all the tribulations of our first year, I also had to mourn the loss of the things I never realized I’d be giving up by entering into a blended family.

We never got the alone time as man and wife. We picked up my step daughter the day after our wedding, went home, and got ready for her to go back to school the next day. It was an immediate role change for me (and much more difficult than I had anticipated).

We weren’t first time parents together. As I became a new mom, and held my tiny, fragile infant in my arms, I was surrounded by stories from when my step daughter was a baby. I loved hearing about the part of her life that I missed before I entered the picture, but part of me felt really devastated that my husband and I weren’t figuring out parenthood together. It was my first journey with a baby, but he had already done the late night feedings, the trillions of dirty diapers, and the teething stages.

I began harboring a grudge for all the things that I never realized I’d miss by marrying a father.

I resented “her”.

“She” got everything I was supposed to have. “She” remarried, and had that newly wed alone time with her new husband- that time holds such an importance that I didn’t even know existed, until I realized I unknowingly sacrificed it. “She” had those special moments after her second baby was born, full of all day cuddles and no other distractions…. I had to learn how to juggle taking care of an infant and a 6 year old at the same time, not an easy feat for a first timer. It seemed, at times, that “she” got everything that was supposed to be mine. Jealousy at its finest.

I resented my step child.

And of all the people to be bitter towards, this sounds the worst. All of my anger seemed to stem towards the concept of her versus her as an actual child. She was supposed to be mine. I didn’t want to share her. In a way, the concept of her not being mine was a constant reminder that my husband started a life with someone else, and I was just the stand-in to finish it out with.

The resentment, anger, and jealousy got the best of me for a very long time. It seemed like a constant battle of feelings- I had my white flag up, but the soldiers continued to march on anyway. In the seasons since this journey began, things have improved, mostly because I had to come to the frank realization that my own personal demons were taking me to a place I didn’t want to be.

I shouldn’t hate my husband for the things he can’t change.

I did have to mourn the loss of the things I missed out on by marrying into a blended family, but I needed to do that in a blameless way.

“She” really didn’t get everything.

In hindsight, “she” was probably jealous of me. I got all the special “firsts” of my step daughter’s life that turn into unforgettable and precious memories, while “she” got the nonchalant version every other weekend.

It doesn’t matter whose child it is.

Whether I’m her mother or not, my step daughter is a great addition to our family. Her sisters adore her, and she’s a part of us. It doesn’t matter that she came before I came along. This was all a pre drawn out plan somewhere- she was ready for this Earth before I was ready to be a mother, so her first years of life were in someone else’s arms. Although I have to share her, I get to be a part of some of the best times in her life, and for that, I’m grateful. And as far as filling someone’s place? Perhaps that was just the practice round 😉 Its not how you started the race, it’s how you finished, right?!

The internal war will probably always continue in a way (because let’s face it, we can’t always help how we feel), but I have my suit of armor and I’m ready to fight for better.  I’m prepared for whatever hurdles I have to jump now- and resentment will no longer be one of those.